a post by Dr. Leslie
“Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same Story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.” (C.S. Lewis)
The lights flickered and suddenly went out. It was pitch black. Not just sort of dark, but pea-soup-so-thick-you-could-slice-it dark. Some of us were outside, some sitting around the table, others had already gone to bed, still trying to recover from our long, jet-lag inducing trip. I must have looked like a zombie – arms outstretched, trying to feel my way from the table to the wall so that I could locate the craft supply suitcase. I had packed away some votive candles to take to the various project sites we would be visiting – as a part of showing folks how to reuse and repurpose those omnipresent, plastic soda bottles. Ta-da! I found the votives by “brailling” my way along the wall. Now, to make my way to the kitchen. I figured coffee cups were the best bet as a votive holder since we had the front and back doors open to create a cross-draft to help us cope with the heat and humidity. I didn’t want the candles to be blown out once they were lit. The cups were hanging on little hooks under a shelf – if only I could find my way to them and take them down without dropping them. It was so, so dark!!! Finally, I found the cups and began putting the votives in them. I reverted to
zombie mode, arms extended, but this time, with cups suspended from each finger. (Good thing no one could capture this moment with a photo!) Yay. I found the table (well, to be honest, it found me – since I basically walked into it). Let there be light! Once the votives were lit, we could barely see each other’s faces flickering in the candlelight. It was then that Matt asked me how I had found the votives and cups. I replied, “I brailled it.”
Eventually, we got the power back on. I blew the candles out. But, my flippant little response and the experience of seeing my fellow team members’ faces by candlelight got me to thinking (always a dangerous thing). What a metaphor! I went to the computer to start a blogpost.
For now we see in a mirror, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I have been known. I Cor. 13:12
It’s a week since the night the power went out. In fact, we’ve been back in the states for a few days now, and I still haven’t finished my blog post. Hmmm. Time to get real.
Folks who know me know that I am rarely at a loss for words. Yet, that’s partly why I stopped mid-post and have had such a hard time trying to follow through on all the thinking I’ve been doing about what “I brailled it” actually means. Trying to come up with the “right words” to describe some of our experiences in Brazil has proven to be quite a challenge. In the book, Perelandra, one of the characters describes Reality as sometimes being “too deep for words.” That’s a lot of what I have experienced during my time in Jaoa Pessoa. It’s too deep for words. What words can I possibly use to describe the experience of standing on the bank of what from a distance appeared to be a beautiful river opening out into the Atlantic Ocean, but up close it was littered with trash, open sewage, and the bodies of dead rats? And, as it turns out – it’s where the kids from the Compassion Project live! Our team gathered together to walk along the shoreline since it was low-tide, guided by Ivy Placerda (Director of Compassion Project). In front of the first shack we saw two fly-covered horses, tethered under an overhang. It was there that Ivy told us that one of the young boys who comes to Compassion witnessed the murder of his father. This was the boy’s home. Less than an hour later, I was sitting on the floor with that very same boy, telling the story of how Jesus calmed the storm, with the simple words, “Peace, Be Still.” As I reached my arm out to say those words, I got goosebumps. It was sort of an “ah-ha” moment to realize that the Lord can and does still calm storms, particularly in the lives of these children. A part of me felt giddy – along the lines of “I nailed it!” But, by the same token I felt overwhelmed and completely inadequate to the challenges that Ivy and her staff so gracefully meet with those children and their families on a day to day basis. I ended up thinking, maybe “I brailled it” was a more accurate description.
Just the day before our outing to serve at Compassion, we had been to the rural farm community of St. Stephen’s. I have recently been reading a book called, “Finding Your Own Calcutta.” Its premise is that we all have the equivalent of a Calcutta in which we can serve because there are different kinds of poverty. Certainly where our team was ministering in Brazil we were face to face with dire physical poverty. However, the author of the book is a professor at an affluent college out in California. After spending several months working with Mother Teresa and the Little Sisters for the Poor, this woman realized that the spiritual poverty of her students was a great as the physical poverty she was witnessing. I began reflecting on the depth of Ivy’s faith and energy – and the way in which she so infectiously infuses the children with her unwavering confidence in the Lord’s provision. Ivy and her husband literally sold everything they had in order for them to be able to come to the states and train at Trinity Seminary for the ministry they now so effectively share together. Talk about depth of faith! I felt convicted about my own spiritual poverty – the way in which, I “braille” my way through my day-to-day life. Here in the States we have it so easy. I like to think that I am a person of depth and faith, but more often than not, I am pretty much self-reliant and more, as author Shauna Niegquist puts it, “Christian-ish” than “Christ-like.”
Let me explain. Being a Christ follower is sort of like saying I believe that exercise is healthy for me. Duh! Of course I know it’s good for me. But to be quite honest, I think about doing it way more than I actually do. I more like the idea of it than the doing of it. I can, however, enthusiastically tell someone I totally love swimming (I do – I’m a gold medalist from back in the days when I swam for Junior Olympics). And I can also tell you how swimming genuinely makes me feel better when I actually get around to it. (It does!). But in the end, when I say I believe exercise is healthy for me, what I really mean is that every week I intend to swim three or four times a week, but actually only make it to the pool once a week or two. Likewise, in my life, my reliance on the Lord and my life of prayer is similar. If you ask me about prayer, I can give you lots (LOTS!) of information about prayer. I have a huge collection of books and journals on hand about prayer. I’ve read them all! I believe in it, conceptually. I feel better when I do it. But when it comes down to it, I’m “prayer-ish”. I’m informed about prayer – not so transformed by prayer. Uh-oh. The only one I’ve ever confessed my “prayer-ishness” to is my spiritual director – but now I’ve let the cat out of the bag – so I might as well finish the tale! When anyone else is in crisis or “whelmed” I tell them things like, “God is in control and to not lean on their own understanding.” But secretly, I unequivocally lean on my own understanding. I do it so that I don’t feel so out of control and blind to the world. I’m a control freak. I always have a plan and manage my life so as not to feel like something’s coming around the corner that I can’t predict and don’t have insurance for. What I believe in most is my own ability to figure things out by myself. I don’t want to say that the future is in God’s hands and it can go whatever way He in His sovereign design chooses. That’s way too scary. In fact, that sounds flat-out terrifying to me! Sell everything and follow Me? Nope. I want guarantees. I want security. I want to be healthy. I like my home and my lifestyle. I want successful children that I can brag about. I want to know what’s coming, know what to expect, diligently save money for it, have insurance coverage for everything, and in the end know that all is meet and right and well and good and under control. Of course, life doesn’t work this way and typically the thing that pushes me to exercise or pray more is always desperation.
The timing of our trip to Brazil comes at a point of desperation in my life. I just had returned from a whirlwind trip to Boise, Idaho right before we left for Jaoa Pessoa. My brother-in-law had called the week before to say my sister was now under hospice care. She has battled cervical cancer for several years but in recent weeks things took a terrible turn. The tumors have spread through her entire abdominal cavity and her “systems” are in the process of shutting down. He said she had days, or maybe weeks left and that before too long she would be in a coma. I didn’t want to run the risk of not seeing her when she was still lucid – so I did a “hit and run” trip out there to say good-bye to her in person. My heart was heavy with grief, not to mention the more wordly concern of how I was going to actually pay for said trip, which I put on a credit card with the Scarlett O’Hara approach of, “Oh well, there’s always tomorrow” (to figure out how to pay for it). So, I arrived in Brazil feeling grim, jet-lagged and more than a little “whelmed” – and, as it turns out, desperate enough to pray. Yes, I was begging God for a miracle for my sister.
All those misguided efforts at organization and control and self-reliance evaporate whenever reality takes hold. I found myself in Brazil staring reality in the face; grateful that I could come back to basics – praying and leaning on the Lord rather than on my own competence.
“Dear God, I need help with me!” Anne Lamott writes that one of the best prayers she ever heard and routinely uses for herself is “I need help with me.” (Her son had somehow gotten his head stuck in the rungs of a kitchen chair and calmly stated this to her when she entered the kitchen and found him quite stuck). I have a watercolor painting on my office wall. It’s of a frizzy-haired woman sitting in an inverted umbrella. Its title is “Control.” The subtext says something to the effect of, “You can hold onto the handle if you want to, but you’ll enjoy the ride a lot more if you let go.” I “enjoyed the miracle ride” in Brazil quite a lot. Deeper than words to be certain. That said, I’m pretty sure that this “let go/let God” struggle is going to be a lifelong one for me. Day by day, I’m learning to rely more and more on God and less on my tendency to braille my way through things.
So. While stumbling around in the dark that night, I ended up being able to let go of begging for the miracle I want for my sister and instead asked God to show me the miracles that were happening right in front of me – there in Brazil. And, guess what? He did! One of the most poignant was the joy of seeing my son, Christopher, reunited with, Marlin, a boy he had befriended at the Compassion Project last summer (but that is Christopher’s story to tell, and one you can read about in his blogpost). I also loved watching the hordes of precious little girls clinging for dearlife to my daughter, Hannah. Being embedded with a team of people who love to laugh and play and pray was very healing for me. Being in an intentional (and, alas, all too temporary) community for 10 days healed the emotional muscles I had been clenching so tightly. It brought me back to a place of “possible” from seemingly impossibility. It brought me hope in place of despair. Indeed, I came away from my time in Brazil profoundly changed and deeply tied to each member of our team – youth and adults alike. Each and every person on our team is a truly courageous and remarkable soul. I’m blessed to know each and every one of them.
As I braille my way forward here at home, I am determined to be less “Christian-ish” and more “Christ-like.” I want to give each day all the love and intensity and courage I can – and NOT out of my own powersource. Truth be told, that one’s pretty depleted. And, yes. I want to keep traveling openly and honestly (with less braille and more God-given sight!) along life’s path.
Gracious Father, help me to be eyes-wide-open to the small letter miracles that You write daily across your world.